January 1

Keep raining down the hate on those vile tobacco smokers with our cheeky fag shaming tax hike of yet another 10% for the 3rd year in a row, as promised in our realistic and honest quest for a SmokefreeNZ by 2025.

We, The New Zealand Government, have successfully made stressing out more popular, and smoking evil cigarettes less popular, by denigrating and vilifying tobacco users via implementation of our grand old smoke free social engineering program. The harsh economic penalties we continue to dump on smokers are not even questioned by the status quo, as our campaign to educate one and all about the truth concerning smokers has, so far, been delightfully successful. Tobacco addicts are illiterate filthy disgusting pariahs who wish only to rob you of your oxygen, infect you with their cancer, and poison all your children to death.

As a control measure it is better to have smokers huddled out the back of establishments, crouching in bushes, standing in the rain, and generally avoiding lighten up places out of fear for their physical safety rather than from any sense of manufactured guilt. A smoker’s guilt is something for all nonsmokers to be concerned with, on the smoker’s behalf, as any show of guilt and shame coming from a smoker in the form of an apology or excuse is fake and cannot be trusted. A smoker doesn’t just not care about their ruining the lungs of your children, it is worse than that. Smokers are actively trying to kill everybody, and it’s up to the growing numbers of proud and righteous nonsmokers to defend not just themselves but all of humanity. Except for the smokers, obviously. But they don’t really count as humans anymore. Remember the adage- the best defence is a merciless attack. The less guilty a smoker appears to feel, the more opportunity there is to verbally abuse, spit on, throw rubbish at, and ultimately bash their hideous faces in repeatedly with a nebuliser until their bloody eye socket becomes an ideal receptacle with which to extinguish that nasty fucking cancer spreading stink stick they were sucking on.

From here to 2025:~ As great as it is that we have created scapegoats of immoral certainty as a way of diverting attention away from our own unprincipled existence, we do see a complication on the horizon before meeting our 2025 smokefree New Zealand goal. Even though ramping up fag taxes was sold to the punters as a vindictive punishment they could feel smug about, it was actually the only way to maintain the tobacco associated revenue stream we’ve become accustomed, nay entitled, to at the same time as tobacco sales invariably decrease. Last year we earmarked $6million for application over the next 3 years to form a think tank committee comprised of all our best math-head boffins, science squints, public relations gurus and sly marketing consultants to try and project when this inevitable (more-taxes><less-tax-victims) tipping point is most likely to turn critical, and to devise some possible scenarios for resolving how we can continue to feed the disharmony eroding communities nationwide without losing a single on the deal. Initial suggestions of relaxing prohibition laws controlling cannabis use and cultivation just enough to tax the ever loving shit out of it look most promising indeed. Hahahaha SUCK IT smokers!

No Legislation Required

The plebeians weren’t asked for their opinions on whether or not they wanted to get locked up for using cannabis back when the sadists decided to outlaw it. So why are they so interested in our thoughts on the matter now? A better example to set would be to just stop being unnecessary fascist arseholes.

The appointed lying creeps in parliament love furiously waving their arms about pushing their dubious puritan agenda to try and keep the moral panic alive and paranoid. The narrative they conservatively paint is that drugs illegalised by the state not very long ago might negatively impact on your life, so that’s a good reason to ruin your life if you are caught having anything to do with them. Well… no it isn’t.

Recent snapshot of prohibition supporter surveying the neighbourhood looking for reasons to call the police.

Finally now, after a century or so of legislated brutality and destruction, enough people agree that this backward harmful attitude is thoroughly deplorable. And that the arguments for continuing to possess it are nonsensical and absurd. So what’s the totalitarian response? To try and seem magnanimous with a heroically democratic offer to let the plebs decide. And when will this happen? Not now, later. Maybe we combine it with the next election so we can increase the general voter turnout (heh heh heh). Get the fuck out of town with obvious fake generosity you miserable sarcastic bums.

If we participate in this referendum we inadvertently condone the possible result of a majority vote in favour of communities continuing to be torn apart by the existing criminal creation program. And if we don’t participate we run the risk of exactly that continuance happening. Gee whiz thanks a lot.

Government didn’t need anyone’s permission when it took away our freedom and it doesn’t need anyone’s permission to return it.

I Dont Hate Socialists

I don’t hate socialists. Some of my best friends are socialists. The socialist democratic style of governance we currently live under is just part of the natural progression towards a more mentally healthy and free society. The population of the world has almost completely rejected monarchies now, and governments are going to be next. Don’t be afraid. Embrace the positive changes where you see them. No one here is going to try forcing you to start running your own lives or anything. The change I want to see cannot be brought about that way. If I had aspirations of violently overthrowing the total drop kicks currently in power it would only mean I had delusions of being the next total drop kick. And being voted into power on my hobby horse with a saviour complex after making promises I’m not even expected to keep isn’t a dream of mine either. So don’t worry about me. I’m not a threat. I’m just not voting.

I’m not voting because this is what I see happening. The divisions we create through our glorification of representative politics are going be left behind. Splitting and pitting the population against itself  is going to seem stupid and go out of fashion. The next step from there towards better living is going to be the utilisation of direct democracy. Political puppets will  no longer be  believed in, so “the people” will get to vote on whichever separate issue they wish to instead of getting to vote for their choice of winning personality every three years as with the previous system. Under direct democracy minorities still get railroaded however, because decisions are still made by majority rule.

After that comes decentralisation, where communities decide for themselves how to run their affairs – working not in competition, but with appreciation for and recognition of each other. Trading or not trading freely without having to pay a tithe to a gluttonous central vacuum. Smaller groups have the capability of being more efficient and have more chance of reaching consensus. The democracy  wars will be over because people are looking to solve problems by discussing them rationally and reaching agreements seriously without wasting time and resources on huge marketing campaigns. Problems that can’t find resolution will be understood as not being important enough for any decision to have been made at that time.  This is a non-hierarchical system that understands the difference between being an authority on a subject, and having authority over subjects. Where leadership skills and gaining  proficiency in a discipline are respected right up until they’re used as reasons to  justify someone’s superiority complex.

Individuals seeking to achieve dominance over others will be understood to be showing signs of emotional insecurity and mental unwellness which will be addressed with the appropriate level of care and support. Effective strategies for rejecting that antisocial behaviour without falling prey to it oneself will be become more ingrained as our appreciation for personal responsibility increases. People will be able to be as different as they like (without making others feel insecure and defensive) once the ultimate transgression of assuming power over another has finally become socially unacceptable.

This might sound like hopeful idealism and wishful thinking to you. And I don’t necessarily know that it isn’t. I’m not super confident. We might all be too emotionally crippled to ever get it together. But some people have to actually say these things to help the chances of them happening. That’s how idealism works. We can’t work out how to get where were going if we don’t know where that is. And the movement towards this ideal is visibly happening. Dickensian times were not so long ago. They were pretty awful and resulted in socialism being invented. So no, I don’t hate socialists. I can understand what socialism was an answer to. But the days of ganging up to force our precious opinions and personal agendas on others being considered an acceptable manner in which to conduct ourselves are numbered.

So if you think you need to be forcibly controlled or want to forcibly control other people I want  to ask you, what’s up? Everything okay at home? Who hurt you so bad  you became damaged enough to believe either one of those two things was a good idea? Let’s go over here and investigate the deficit. Let’s see if we can’t find a more constructive and assertive way to deal with the pain you are obviously in. Your suffering is apparent, but everything is going to be alright. It’s okay to be insecure, but there are ways to change that. You do have to want that change for yourself though. Help is available, but it’s important that you know you’re the one who has to do the hard work. Nobody else can do it for you. How do you feel about that? Don’t answer in a hurry. Just sit with it for a few minutes.  I’ll put the jug on.

Not A Party scrambles for self-worth after brutal rise in voter turnout

Not A Party

25 September 2017

Not A Party headquarters was in tatters this Sunday morning. With its candidates reeling in shock, red-eyed and gormless in the wake of this unexpected monumental failure.

All along the night, as election results had trickled down, it became slowly apparent that calculating the non-voter turnout was going to be really hard. And a suspicion was lurking that the chances of success were not on the cards and that Not A Party’s underwhelming electoral effort was nothing short of bloody disgraceful. And by strewth it was.

Not A Party are deeply in mourning over where their dreams of a record high non-voter turnout have ended up. To have survived the build-up to the election on a diet of optimism, avoidance, and pretty average fish n chips, only to have their hopes strangled and bashed on the rocks at the bottom of the democracy cliff so dolefully. It’s dismal and unpropitious. These brave builders of hope for humanity are left sober, gutted and distraught over the poor choices made by more people than last time.

Nonetheless, Not A Party did manage to clutch at some short straws. The three NAP electorate candidates all came resoundingly last in their respective electorates, with Wellington Central candidate Bob Wessex the lowest polling in the country! Clearly, the party’s DON’T VOTE 2017 campaign message was gotten out there.

When the whole unruly drama has settled down a bit, Not A Party might schedule an emergency meeting to determine the future of its existence.


NAP Candidate for Rongotai

Hi. I’m Simon Smythe and I’m a politician.

I first suspected I might be a politician when I tried to solve a problem with a bunch of other people’s money. And subsequently wasn’t very good at it. In fact, my need for control at other people’s expense was actually making things worse. Of course I denied it at first. And no matter how much money I would force people to pay, the problems still largely remained. There were just enough moderate changes being made made to create the illusion of something being done.

I have now come to realise that doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results is the epitome of insanity. But when you’re making a fairly decent living from the problems you’re not addressing it’s very easy to keep deluding yourself that you’re doing the right thing. Especially when approximately 70% of the eligible population is validating your existence every three years. And you’re telling yourself and everybody else the other 30% is just lazy and irresponsible. So after many years of being given far too many chances, only to let everyone down again and again, I finally understood that the first step towards recovery was going to be admitting I was the problem.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know that the unquestioning belief in (and exaltation of) a glorious parliamentary battle arena where voters are apparently represented by shameful displays of name calling and pompous witty retorts we call “the democratic process” is a thinly veiled unjustifiable rationalisation for the oppression of others by wielding trumped up questionable opinions about how they should definitely be living their lives, exacted in the most impersonal way possible. And it doesn’t even work good.

So I urge you this election for everybody’s sake. DON’T VOTE 2017.

Victory For NAPathy!

Not A Party

9 March 2017

Victory For NAPathy!

Hey look. Another landslide win for Not A Party (NAP). A 70% non-turnout. Who could have ever predicted it?

The official results of the Mt. Albert by-election were announced by the Electoral Commission today. On hearing the news of Not A Party’s second major coup, NAP candidate Simon Smythe responded, “What happened? Oh right. Makes sense. I’m thinking of making a nice roasted vegetable salad for dinner. Who wants some?”

The Saturday before last 13,763 voters went through the motions of Active Participation Fantasy Syndrome in the Mt. Albert by-election. NAP did its best to come last, but says thanks to the 19 cards who did vote for them as it resulted in a small trouncing of some communists. What hasn’t been mentioned at all is how 31,125 registered non-voters came out in support of Not A Party and steered clear of the polling booths altogether, exercising their democratic right to do whatever they wanted instead. Once the 19 votes for NAP were added to the 31,125 non-votes for NAP it made very little difference. Such is the process of voting.

Just as it was in Mt. Roskill last year, so has this been a delightful encouragement for proponents of a post-democratic New Zealand. The people of Mt. Albert have stayed home in force and conscientiously shunned the endorsement required to validate this “safe Labour seat”. How promising it is to see so many enlightened free thinkers non-voting for what they believe in. The future might not be all doom gloom and ginger ale after all. Hazzah!

If we look at the 13,763 who did vote and compare them to the 60,531 who live in Mt. Albert, there’s your representation right there folks. What kind of mandate is that for the pen and sword wielding ruling classes to continue darkening our lives with their Roman attitude towards population control? Long may the avalanche of sensibility and the fine show of being excellent to each other continue and be present at the upcoming general election in September.

NAP would also like to congratulate Hacienda Ardennes on her new job with the United Nations.


What’s the best place for a guerrilla soup kitchen?

Having a by-election so close to an election stabs a thorn in my side every time. Can’t we just let everything slide in the interim? I don’t see any panic in the streets of Mt. Albert from constituents running around crying out about how everything is coming to a grinding halt without a colossal in charge. Have you been to Spain lately? Surprise! It’s still there.

But anyway, it’s happening. So here’s my bile-election promise. If I’m elected I’ll gut the electoral office and turn it into a soup kitchen. Not A Party are great at deconstruction.

If you don’t like this idea, don’t get mad. Just don’t vote for it. However, if you vote against it by voting for someone else, you should do so with the understanding that you helped legitimise something you didn’t want. That’s the beauty of democracy.

Why a soup kitchen?

Because cooking a feed for the local hungry folk is respectable, compassionate, and most of all, it’s achievable. And before anyone tries to get all governmenty about it, know this. Any talk of means testing for a toasted sandwich will be met with a well earned clap of derisive laughter. If anyone’s hungry enough to walk through the shame cloud entrance of a begrudging government soup kitchen, they already passed the means test. Do we think people are going to say they’re hungry when they’re not hungry? If they do they are obviously suffering from mental illness and should be offered a food immediately. Pakoras and sabji stat!

What’s in it for me if I’m not hungry?

Good question. Glad you asked. When a grimy footpath reprobate asks you for change, you can direct them to the soup kitchen instead of giving them money. Money that you’re worried they’ll only spend on drugs … because that’s probably what you would do if you were living on a footpath.

Why a “guerrilla” soup kitchen?

Because regardless of our commitment to serving  fresh food cooked with safe handling practices in a clean kitchen, we refuse to pay any tithes to the local protection racket, aka Auckland City Council. Threats of being stood over by the latest stand over gang should never be complied with. Cowering only encourages them.

It’s long past time politicians started serving the people. Not A Party are here, happy to oblige.

NAP during the race again!

Hello New Zealand.

My name is Simon Smythe. I put the myth in blacksmith. And the sigh in the unquestioned acceptance of a centralised government. Putting myself forward as the NAP candidate (Not A Party) in the upcoming Mt. Albert by-election happened yesterday about 4:20 pm in the convivial atmosphere of the Manners Mall Electoral Commission Office.

My motivation for hurling myself into the bi-elecectory stoplight comes from my humbly magnanimous sense of community spirit when it comes to reminding people of their democratic right to not vote if they don’t want to.

We hear whisperings on the winds that enough is enough. Which is true in itself because enough is neither too little nor too much. But let’s not go crazy and fool ourselves into thinking that voting will have any effect on this phenomenon of enough being enough. The sentiment leads to other sentiments like… ‘somebody should do something!’ and… ‘who let this happen?’

When we vote we let this happen.

The platform I’m campaigning on (with Richard Goode aka Agent Orange as my invaluable campaign manager) is all about representing the accused and maligned among us who are so often dismissed, called apathetic, and snidely looked down upon because we actively decline that most generous of invitations to vote.

As a dedicated and responsible non-voter I stand, with the rest of the NAP squad, at the vanguard of a serious and compassionate movement to illuminate and eliminate the irrational attacks of sanctimonious guilt and shame so often aimed at today’s forward thinking non-voter. The youth of today are just slackers. Somebody should make them do something.

Seriously though. The truth is, if you do vote you have no business complaining after the fact when your team lost. That’s just bad sportsmanship.

So basically our message is this:

#DontVote2017. Voting is NOT a victimless crime. And have an A1 day.

Your Representative: Simon Colin Smythe.

What’s with the NAP?


Not A Party

17 November 2016

What’s with the NAP?

Last week Not A Party (NAP) announced Richard Goode as their candidate in the Mt. Roskill by-election due to be held on Saturday 3 December. Since then the most commonly asked question has been, “What’s your agenda?”

Our agenda is straightforward. We are here to mobilise the non-vote in Aotearoa New Zealand. And to end the divisive guilt associated with not voting.

When asked if he was even serious about not voting, Goode said, “Yes, I am serious. Political jokes are not at all funny and I certainly don’t condone voting for them.”

The thought of not voting can come as a shock at first. But voting is not the holy grail of civic duty our decision makers would have us believe. Being allowed to be part of the decision making process every few years is nothing more than a Claytons involvement in politics.

Every election we are being persuaded to maintain the belief that not voting is a form of civil disobedience. But it isn’t even. In this country we cherish the democratic right to not vote.

“The insidious maligning of non-voters has gone on long enough,” says Goode. “And I say, stop it. If it helps, I will say this, and I’ll say it right to the cameras. Stop it.”

Ridiculous claims have been made. Goode refutes them thus:

# If you don’t vote you have no right to complain

“This is flat out wrong and back to front. If you vote, you are accepting the outcome of the election whoever wins and you have no reason to complain when your chosen party or candidate loses the personality contest.”

# People who don’t vote are apathetic

“How could this ever have happened?” Goode laughs. “Could it be that they’ve become disillusioned by past voting experiences? Apathy about the graciously provided three yearly opportunity to participate in the voting bonanza doesn’t mean people don’t care about the political direction of this country. It means they care enough not to validate the tyranny and oppression by voting for it.”

# A non vote is a vote for the other guy

“Really? Which other guy? If you do the math I think you’ll find that the people responsible for voting in [insert perceived enemy here] were the people that voted for them. Not the people that didn’t.”

“The gangs that run our country, whether they’re in power or waiting their turn, are having a fine time enjoying the baubles of office at everyone else’s expense.” Goode concludes, “It’s time to think about how we can put an end to unnecessary central government and run our own towns and communities without lavishing huge sums of money on these leeches.”