MEDIA RELEASE
Not A Party

9 March 2017

Victory For NAPathy!

Hey look. Another landslide win for Not A Party (NAP). A 70% non-turnout. Who could have ever predicted it?

The official results of the Mt. Albert by-election were announced by the Electoral Commission today. On hearing the news of Not A Party’s second major coup, NAP candidate Simon Smythe responded, “What happened? Oh right. Makes sense. I’m thinking of making a nice roasted vegetable salad for dinner. Who wants some?”

The Saturday before last 13,763 voters went through the motions of Active Participation Fantasy Syndrome in the Mt. Albert by-election. NAP did its best to come last, but says thanks to the 19 cards who did vote for them as it resulted in a small trouncing of some communists. What hasn’t been mentioned at all is how 31,125 registered non-voters came out in support of Not A Party and steered clear of the polling booths altogether, exercising their democratic right to do whatever they wanted instead. Once the 19 votes for NAP were added to the 31,125 non-votes for NAP it made very little difference. Such is the process of voting.

Just as it was in Mt. Roskill last year, so has this been a delightful encouragement for proponents of a post-democratic New Zealand. The people of Mt. Albert have stayed home in force and conscientiously shunned the endorsement required to validate this “safe Labour seat”. How promising it is to see so many enlightened free thinkers non-voting for what they believe in. The future might not be all doom gloom and ginger ale after all. Hazzah!

If we look at the 13,763 who did vote and compare them to the 60,531 who live in Mt. Albert, there’s your representation right there folks. What kind of mandate is that for the pen and sword wielding ruling classes to continue darkening our lives with their Roman attitude towards population control? Long may the avalanche of sensibility and the fine show of being excellent to each other continue and be present at the upcoming general election in September.

NAP would also like to congratulate Hacienda Ardennes on her new job with the United Nations.

ENDS

Having a by-election so close to an election stabs a thorn in my side every time. Can’t we just let everything slide in the interim? I don’t see any panic in the streets of Mt. Albert from constituents running around crying out about how everything is coming to a grinding halt without a colossal in charge. Have you been to Spain lately? Surprise! It’s still there.

But anyway, it’s happening. So here’s my bile-election promise. If I’m elected I’ll gut the electoral office and turn it into a soup kitchen. Not A Party are great at deconstruction.

If you don’t like this idea, don’t get mad. Just don’t vote for it. However, if you vote against it by voting for someone else, you should do so with the understanding that you helped legitimise something you didn’t want. That’s the beauty of democracy.

Why a soup kitchen?

Because cooking a feed for the local hungry folk is respectable, compassionate, and most of all, it’s achievable. And before anyone tries to get all governmenty about it, know this. Any talk of means testing for a toasted sandwich will be met with a well earned clap of derisive laughter. If anyone’s hungry enough to walk through the shame cloud entrance of a begrudging government soup kitchen, they already passed the means test. Do we think people are going to say they’re hungry when they’re not hungry? If they do they are obviously suffering from mental illness and should be offered a food immediately. Pakoras and sabji stat!

What’s in it for me if I’m not hungry?

Good question. Glad you asked. When a grimy footpath reprobate asks you for change, you can direct them to the soup kitchen instead of giving them money. Money that you’re worried they’ll only spend on drugs … because that’s probably what you would do if you were living on a footpath.

Why a “guerrilla” soup kitchen?

Because regardless of our commitment to serving  fresh food cooked with safe handling practices in a clean kitchen, we refuse to pay any tithes to the local protection racket, aka Auckland City Council. Threats of being stood over by the latest stand over gang should never be complied with. Cowering only encourages them.

It’s long past time politicians started serving the people. Not A Party are here, happy to oblige.

Hello New Zealand.

My name is Simon Smythe. I put the myth in blacksmith. And the sigh in the unquestioned acceptance of a centralised government. Putting myself forward as the NAP candidate (Not A Party) in the upcoming Mt. Albert by-election happened yesterday about 4:20 pm in the convivial atmosphere of the Manners Mall Electoral Commission Office.

My motivation for hurling myself into the bi-elecectory stoplight comes from my humbly magnanimous sense of community spirit when it comes to reminding people of their democratic right to not vote if they don’t want to.

We hear whisperings on the winds that enough is enough. Which is true in itself because enough is neither too little nor too much. But let’s not go crazy and fool ourselves into thinking that voting will have any effect on this phenomenon of enough being enough. The sentiment leads to other sentiments like… ‘somebody should do something!’ and… ‘who let this happen?’

When we vote we let this happen.

The platform I’m campaigning on (with Richard Goode aka Agent Orange as my invaluable campaign manager) is all about representing the accused and maligned among us who are so often dismissed, called apathetic, and snidely looked down upon because we actively decline that most generous of invitations to vote.

As a dedicated and responsible non-voter I stand, with the rest of the NAP squad, at the vanguard of a serious and compassionate movement to illuminate and eliminate the irrational attacks of sanctimonious guilt and shame so often aimed at today’s forward thinking non-voter. The youth of today are just slackers. Somebody should make them do something.

Seriously though. The truth is, if you do vote you have no business complaining after the fact when your team lost. That’s just bad sportsmanship.

So basically our message is this:

#DontVote2017. Voting is NOT a victimless crime. And have an A1 day.

Your Representative: Simon Colin Smythe.